more birthday thoughts. ewan ko kung bakit bibong-bibo ang heart ko ng araw na yun e wala naman akong ginawang special. walang party, walang inuman, whatsoever. bakit sobrang naamaze ako sa fact na happy ako? kasi never pa ko naging masaya sa birthday. lagi akong depressed sa araw na yan, dun ko nararamdaman ng big time ang mga kulang sa buhay ko, etc. same with new year. ang ironic lang ng dating sa ‘kin pag binabati ako ng happy new year o happy birthday kasi ang totoo, hindi naman ako happy.

pero this time, seryosong masaya ako. sabi ko nga, wala namang espesyal. greeting ng mga kaibigan at kamag-anak, konting kainan sa office (courtesy of my bosses kaya wala akong ginastos, yey!), dined out with a friend, some alone time, and then the day’s over. peaceful siguro yung tamang term. yung pakiramdam na kahit may mga kulang pa, marami ka pang bagay na hinahanap o gustong makuha, o may mga konting problema, nahanap ko na yung tamang balanse. siguro nga nasa maayos na disposisyon na ang aking magulong utak. kahit may mga post dito na nagpapaka-emo ako,  generally, masaya na ko. gone are the super dramatic emo days kahit wala namang valid at seryosong dahilan. parang distant memory na lang sya. hindi lang talaga maiwasang maupset paminsan-minsan kasi hindi naman perpekto ang mundo, we all have our own crosses to bear, responsibilities to fulfill, people to deal with, goals to strive for. most of the time, i feel that i don’t know what i’m doing and yet i seem to somehow find my way out through all the confusion. dahil lab ako ni papa jesus kahit lukaret ako. at yung mga kulang at mga pain na nagpapalungkot sa ‘kin before, pinapag-aralan ko syang ichannel into something positive. sheeeet, ang seryoso. hindi na naman bagay sa ‘kin. gusto ko lang maalala na at 23, unti-unti ko ng nahahanap yung peace na kailangan ko.

before i turn 24, gusto ko sana makapagtravel na abroad (kahit vacations lang sa asia), makapagsagada o kaya yung ibang dream destinations ko sa ‘pinas, matagpuan yung fulfillment na hinahanap ko sa career, at syempre lumablayp ng seryosohan (pwede ring laru-laro lang pero syempre mas masaya yung seryosong nagmamahalan kayo and all that cheesiness di ba?). may isang taon pa ko. tira-tira!

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bilang birthday gift pala sa sarili, nagparebond ako kahapon. wehehe. sa isang araw ko na ipopost ang aking new (and shorter) do.  kumustang mga 5-6 hours ‘ata ako sa salon kahapon. naaliw lang ako kasi korean salon yung pinuntahan ko, toney and jackey sa may tomas morato. sosyal ang place,  maluwag at hindi cluttered.  nakakapanibago, ang tahimik. parang may multa pag nagsalita. namiss ko tuloy yung mga bading dun sa salon sa ‘min, bago ako matapos e nalaman ko na ang buhay nila, mga naging boypren, sinong may utang sa kanila, etc. korean yung mga stylists pero pinoy naman yung mga staff. dahil koreana yung stylist ko (btw, mabait at sobrang sipag nya), napalaban ako ng englishan. ang weird lang, marunong naman akong mag-english pero bakit nung nag-usap kami, parang ako yung naging barok. wala ata akong nasabing buong sentence kundi yes yes, no no, ok ok. nyahaha. 

HAPPY indeed! and i really mean it. i’ve never been this happy on a birthday….ever! well, at least in my teen/adult life.

 to everyone who texted/called/posted a friendster message, salamat! i feel so loved. i’m all giddy and perky today because of you. at marami pang ibang dahilan. mey ganun?  i love love love this day. parang lahat ay umayos ng araw na ‘to. nawala ang bagyo at naging bright and sunny, naaspalto yung kalsada sa may sa ’min na araw-araw kong prinuproblema sa sobrang putik, walang pila sa atm ng bdo… simple mga bagay na nagpangiti sa ‘ken. tenkyu lord, lab nyo po ako talaga.

I’m broke but I’m happy
I’m poor but I’m kind
I’m short but I’m healthy, yeah
I’m high but I’m grounded
I’m sane but I’m overwhelmed
I’m lost but I’m hopeful baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything’s gonna be fine fine fine
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high fiveI feel drunk but I’m sober
I’m young and I’m underpaid
I’m tired but I’m working, yeah
I care but I’m worthless
I’m here but I’m really gone
I’m wrong and I’m sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything’s gonna be quite alright
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette

What it all comes down to
Is that I haven’t got it all figured out just yet
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign

I’m free but I’m focused
I’m green but I’m wise
I’m shy but I’m friendly baby
I’m sad but I’m laughing
I’m brave but I’m chicken shit
I’m sick but I’m pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one’s really got it figured out just yet
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano

What it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything’s just fine fine fine
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxicab…

-hand in my pocket, alanis morisette

…or should i say, a clear scenario of what could happen to me in a few years if i make one BIG stupid mistake. it’s just too disturbing because it’s one of the major worst things i swore i never want to go through. i don’t know if it’s a warning or a sign (god i hope not). it seemed so real. it felt real. it’s not like the usual dream where i can’t sometimes identify faces or i can’t make sense of the situation. this was different. the scenario was too messed up i’m still really bothered. i know it’s just a dream, i know…i hope…

on a different note, it’s raining like crazy a couple of days before my birthday. story of my life. rain. storm. gloomy skies. shit, ang emo. hahaha.

yep yep, malapit na malapit na ang bertdey ko. camownst! kabirthday ko si nelson mandela at vin diesel (wow, magkalevel). eto rin ang napredict na doomsday daw sa ‘pinas. pffft, ang pangit di ba. pero pinabulaanan na yan ng mga kumpare ko sa phivolcs, dahil birthday ko daw…hindi pwedeng lumindol. kaya wag matakot at lalong wag magpanic buying, sit back and relax mga kapatid, hindi tayo papabayaan ni papa jesus.

dahil bertdey ko naman, eto na ang aking bonggang-bonggang wish list. for the first time, achievable ang mga nasa listahan ko ngayon. narealize ko lng kasi na sarili ko lang ang niloloko ko pag winish kong makasama ng isang gabi si wentworth miller manalo ng lotto kung di naman ako bumibili ng tiket di ba? kung sakaling maramdaman ng busilak nyong puso na iregalo sa ‘kin ang kahit alin sa mga ‘to….grabe, papacanton ako talaga. pramis. o sya, bago pa mapunta ‘to sa kung saan…dis is it na.

a. MATERYAL

1. isang pares ng chucks/pwede rin maraming pares

2. UP centennial jacket/o kahit anong UP jacket

3. i pod/pwede ring yung tig 2k na mp4 na mukhang i pod

4. head to toe blair waldorf outfit (di ko alam kung san ko sya susuotin pero walang pakialamanan)

5. complete dvd set ng the office

6. cute na dress/dresses

7. christian loboutin shoes (achievable daw ‘o)

8. hoodie jacket (jacket na may hood? basta yun)

9. pang-make up (bawal ever bilena)

10. SLR (jane, igift wrap mo na yang kamera mo,wahahaha)

b. DI-MATERYAL

1. lalaki/boylet/kachever/lablayp - yung masaya kasama at masarap kausap, walang girlfriend o ibang kalandian, may matinong trabaho naman para mag pang-date kame, kawavelength ng utak ko, yung hindi takot sa ‘kin at kaya akong alagaan o kaya awayin pag nag-iinarte ako sa buhay,  may element of suprise at kilig factor sa katawan, yung may itsura - read:hindi pangit pero hindi rin naman sobrang gwapo o tisoy (kasi baka magmukha akong alalay nya), bonus points na rin kung delicious maganda ang katawan, at sana at least 5′8″.

2. matuloy ang first out of the country travel na pinaplano namin. (di na daw sya tuloy.how sad. )

3. more travel sa ‘pinas. marami pa kong gustong puntahan.

4. happiness, peace of mind, good health sa ‘kin, sa mga mahal ko sa buhay, at sige na nga sa buong mundo na rin

5. isang buong araw ng pampering at pagrerelaks

6. maglose ng 5 lbs at ang walang kamatayang beach body

7. sweet sweet surprises

8. luke landrigan in the flesh, preferably shirtless

pero hindi naman talaga ako mapili. kahit 30pesos na load lang, masaya na ko. o di ba, nag-assume na naman akong may gustong magregalo sa ‘kin. naaanticipate ko lang na medyo masakit sa bulsa ang mga plano ko para sa birthday na ‘to kaya ijajustify ko na lang na lahat ng mga nagastos/gagastusin ko hanggang august ay part pa rin ng celebration ko - parang Showbiz Central month long anniversary. mas masayang mag-ipon ng memories at experiences at adventures at photos at regalo. alaveet alaveet!

one of my three needs? check!

so it’s just like old times…except that it’s not. maybe it’s even more fun than what we used to have. but, it still feels like home. i’m growing up.we’re growing up…and i’m loving it.

delayed reaction

…on grey’s anatomy:

i couldn’t be happier about how things ended. there is hope for the merediths in the world…there is hope for cynics with major trust issues but secretly-hoping-for-a-happy-ending. haha. pinersonal?

I’m still mad at you and I don’t know if I trust you, I wanna trust you, but I don’t know if I do. So I’m just gonna try, I’m gonna try and trust you. Because I believe that we can be extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart.

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…on gossip girl

why would you give us something to hope for when you would crush it in the end anyway? waaah! still, the kilig moments are sooo worth it. chuck-blair forever! camownst!

Chuck: Let’s take it slow this time. Do it right.
Blair: Blegh… Chuck Bass is a romantic, who knew?
Chuck: Now you do, and it’s all that matters.

oh, love! ….or something like it

dahil wala ng nagpapakarga at humahalik sa pisngi ko pagkagaling ko ng opisina, wala ng humihiga sa tyan ko para gisingin ako sa umaga pag tumunog na ang alarm ko, wala na kong pinapasalubungan ng cheesy ensaymada ng shopwise, nagpapaalis sa ‘kin sa upuang kulay dilaw kasi teritoryo nya yun, at dahil wala na kong kalarong masungit at makulit at malambing….

miss pa rin kita…

                                                            bapbap babon

                                                  july __, 2005 - june 30, 2007

there was a point when i wanted to hate you for making me feel so much over nothing. then i realized it all seems like a distant memory. right now, it’s not about you anymore. it’s about realizing what i’ve been missing all along.

i thought i knew it all; i thought holding hands or leaning on someone’s shoulder are just cliches from sappy love songs and cheesy romantic movies - until i had them. for the longest time, i’ve been so used to taking care of myself and building walls around me so people wouldn’t take advantage of my vulnerability. then you happened. for the first time, i didn’t feel so alone. it finally felt like someone was out there to protect me or save me from the mess that i was. i wanted someone to make me whole.  i just wanted to have someone, or rather…the feeling of belonging to someone.  it turns out, I NEVER  REALLY WANTED YOU AFTER ALL. YOU JUST HAPPENED TO BE THERE, with your easy words and sweet lies. but that didn’t change the fact that you were nothing more than a wayward boy out to break a poor girl’s fragile heart because you did not know what you wanted.

i hate to break it to you but i’m the farthest thing from being a poor girl with a fragile heart. i’m a kickass girl with the heart of a fighter, the kind of heart that has been tested and crushed and ripped apart far too many times but is still alive and beating and fighting like it has never been scarred before.

you see, it’s not about you anymore. i am way past the YOU drama. you were just a phase i’ve gotten over somehow. it’s about the search…or rather, the wait for that someone. i missed out on a lot of things before because i was too scared. to be fair,  i’m giving you a little credit for making me let my guard down because for the first time i actually think i’m ready for the real thing - not the fairytale mushy whatever but the heart-wrenching, messy, ridiculous, complex, and painful kind of thing. i still think you’re a liar and a player so screw you…but thanks to you, i am no longer that doe-eyed hopeless romantic little girl i used to be.

for the record, you didn’t break me. you never had the right to break me. you just cut me open and i’m more vulnerable than ever before. yet i feel better somehow. i’m flawed. i’m human after all.

i’m generally happy these days. i actually believe being happy is a choice. life is simple, we just complicate it. so everytime i feel like turning into the old me (there’s a reason why this blog is described as the brand new stories of an ex-drama queen), i try to to see the positive side in things and look for that magic rainbow (blame david cook for the lack of a better term) whatever. so statements like  “someday things will make perfect sense, so for now laugh at the confusion”…i get that.  i believe in that. it’s just that the “right now” part kind of sucks and don’t make any sense to me. i know i’m not supposed to understand everything right now but i wish i could, even just a bit of it. do i even have a point here?

all i’m saying is even just for today, can i be the same old vulnerable me? spare me from the optimism crap because all i can say  is screw it and that doesn’t sound so nice. i’m turning the lights off, playing some boyce avenue in full volume, keeping my lips sealed…in short,  not care about the rest of the world (which i used to be really good at).

just for tonight. tomorrow, i’ll try to be better.

nagpost ako ng i need alcohol, a man, and a massage * na shoutout sa friendster ko at nag-alala ang kaibigan ko na pag may estranghero na naligaw sa friendster ko , he/she would think i’m a good girl gone wild, something to that effect. pero kasi, totoo naman ang mga pangangailangan na yan e. jaded at lost at detached sa mundo ang pakiramdam ko these days, at yan ang eksaktong mga kelangan ko sa buhay. hahaha.

nung friday night, natupad na yung una. ayos lang kahit bangenge ako kinabukasan, ang mahalaga kahit paano natulungan ko ang isang kaibigan na walang ibang masasandalan ngayon kundi ako. kung mas may kakayahan lang akong alisin sya sa hirap na kinalalagyan nya ngayon, ginawa ko na. hala, sige. walang malaking problema sa vodka cruiser at san mig light at redhorse at yosi. patay tayo nyan.

random thought: masaya ang social life kaya lang….mas masaya sana kung may kasabay na  bonggang-bonggang lablayp di ba?

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alam nyo ba yung storya sa likod ng kantang again ni lenny kravitz? ako alam ko, at nangyari ata sa ’kin yan kahapon. hayyyys. dahil hindi ko naman kayang gumawa ng kanta na tulad ni len (nickname basis kame?), mananawagan na lang ako. sa lalaking mukhang basketbolista na nagbabasa ng readings sa coffee bean trinoma kahapon: feeling ko ikaw na ang matagal kong hinihintay. sana lang di ka masyadong torpe di ba? puteeeek, sayang! pordat, inassume kong type mo ako. ^__^ walang pakialamanan. babae lang. kinikilig din.  tatlong kilometro ito. nyahahaha. isang malaking sayang lang talaga! huwaw, anong kalandian ito? 

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nagmature na pala kami, ngayon lang namin nararamdaman. masarap kasabay ang pinakamatalik mong kaibigan sa pag-grow mo bilang tao. hindi lahat ng pagkakataon, kaya mong maging masaya pero masarap na may karamay ka pag kelangan mong maging mahina at may kamay na aakay sa ‘yo pag handa ka na uli maging malakas.

“oh my god, georgina.”  

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i may be biased since i’m a huuuge steve carell fan, but here’s a comedy that can actually make you laugh. at in fairnes, hindi lang ako ang mukhang tangang humahalakhak.pati mga kasabay namin sa sinehan. ang saya kaya pag sabay-sabay na kayo tumatawa, try nyo, wag kayo mahiya kasi nagbayad naman kayo e. ang pinagkaiba ko lang sa kanila, hindi pa sya dumadialogue, tawang-tawa na ko. i love love love love steve carell.  

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ngayon ko lang uli naapreciate ang saya sa pakiramdam pag byernes - yung hapon na tinatamad na kayo sa office kaya petiks mode na tapos alam mong may gimik ka mamaya at syempre, yung friday night out mismo. tapos kinabukasan may hangover ka. patay tayo nyan.

at halata bang sa haba ng entry na to e sabik ako magblog?

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*i need alcohol, a man, and a massage.” - cristina yang, grey’s anatomy