you cut me open but i’m no longer bleeding

there was a point when i wanted to hate you for making me feel so much over nothing. then i realized it all seems like a distant memory. right now, it’s not about you anymore. it’s about realizing what i’ve been missing all along.

i thought i knew it all; i thought holding hands or leaning on someone’s shoulder are just cliches from sappy love songs and cheesy romantic movies - until i had them. for the longest time, i’ve been so used to taking care of myself and building walls around me so people wouldn’t take advantage of my vulnerability. then you happened. for the first time, i didn’t feel so alone. it finally felt like someone was out there to protect me or save me from the mess that i was. i wanted someone to make me whole.  i just wanted to have someone, or rather…the feeling of belonging to someone.  it turns out, I NEVER  REALLY WANTED YOU AFTER ALL. YOU JUST HAPPENED TO BE THERE, with your easy words and sweet lies. but that didn’t change the fact that you were nothing more than a wayward boy out to break a poor girl’s fragile heart because you did not know what you wanted.

i hate to break it to you but i’m the farthest thing from being a poor girl with a fragile heart. i’m a kickass girl with the heart of a fighter, the kind of heart that has been tested and crushed and ripped apart far too many times but is still alive and beating and fighting like it has never been scarred before.

you see, it’s not about you anymore. i am way past the YOU drama. you were just a phase i’ve gotten over somehow. it’s about the search…or rather, the wait for that someone. i missed out on a lot of things before because i was too scared. to be fair,  i’m giving you a little credit for making me let my guard down because for the first time i actually think i’m ready for the real thing - not the fairytale mushy whatever but the heart-wrenching, messy, ridiculous, complex, and painful kind of thing. i still think you’re a liar and a player so screw you…but thanks to you, i am no longer that doe-eyed hopeless romantic little girl i used to be.

for the record, you didn’t break me. you never had the right to break me. you just cut me open and i’m more vulnerable than ever before. yet i feel better somehow. i’m flawed. i’m human after all.

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things you leave behind

may katext ako kagabi. gusto ko lang tapusin ang isang bagay kahit wala namang nasimulan.  pero hindi ko alam kung natuldukan na nga. sa huli kasi, ako lang ang napagod. ako lang ang nadrain.

isang lumang tao na gustong maging bago ulit. dati akala ko sya ang kelangan ko, hindi pala. kumapit lang ako sa ideyang andyan sya kasi wala namang iba. pero hindi pala ibig sabihin na pag mahal ka e mahal mo na rin. kahit gustuhin mo. kahit pilitin mo. kasi kung tutuusin, ok na sana ‘to. safe choice. hindi ka paghihintayin. hindi ka papaasahin. ito yung tipong di ka sasaktan. mamahalin ka ng todo. igagalang.

pero hindi na nya ako kilala. at ako, sapat na yung pagkakilala ko dati sa kanya. ayoko na syang makilala ulit. maraming taon na ang nakalipas. wag na tayong mabuhay sa nakaraan.  ibang tao na ako.  at sa tingin ko, wala syang karapatang sisihin ako sa kung sino ako ngayon. wala akong obligasyong magpaliwanag sa kahit kanino kung ano man ako ngayon.

sa ‘yo (kahit alam kong hindi mo naman ‘to mababasa), hindi ko pipiliting mag-move on ka na kasi sabi nga ng lola ko, karapatan mo yan. wala akong karapatang utusan ka sa dapat maramdaman. at siguro insensitive ako kasi hindi ko pa alam ang pakiramdam na umasa sa wala. baka ngayon pa lang. wala ako sa posisyon para magsalita. ang akin lang, gusto kong maging masaya ka. nagbago na nga ako pero hindi ako masamang tao. wala na lang talaga akong nararamdaman. 

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nobody said it was easy

so this is how it feels like…

…hearing someone say those words. for years you’ve waited for it to happen, for someone to say something as real and as overwhelming as that… and when it’s right in front of you, you don’t know what to do with it. what are you supposed to do with those words? what are you supposed to say? 

i don’t know how to do this….thing. this is what i’m afraid of because i think from here, there’s no turning back. i hate that i don’t know how to deal with it.

tang*na.baket ganito? ayoko mag-inarte pero nag-iinarte ako. ang haba ng hair ko. hahaha. syeeeeet.