23 and 2 days old

more birthday thoughts. ewan ko kung bakit bibong-bibo ang heart ko ng araw na yun e wala naman akong ginawang special. walang party, walang inuman, whatsoever. bakit sobrang naamaze ako sa fact na happy ako? kasi never pa ko naging masaya sa birthday. lagi akong depressed sa araw na yan, dun ko nararamdaman ng big time ang mga kulang sa buhay ko, etc. same with new year. ang ironic lang ng dating sa ‘kin pag binabati ako ng happy new year o happy birthday kasi ang totoo, hindi naman ako happy.

pero this time, seryosong masaya ako. sabi ko nga, wala namang espesyal. greeting ng mga kaibigan at kamag-anak, konting kainan sa office (courtesy of my bosses kaya wala akong ginastos, yey!), dined out with a friend, some alone time, and then the day’s over. peaceful siguro yung tamang term. yung pakiramdam na kahit may mga kulang pa, marami ka pang bagay na hinahanap o gustong makuha, o may mga konting problema, nahanap ko na yung tamang balanse. siguro nga nasa maayos na disposisyon na ang aking magulong utak. kahit may mga post dito na nagpapaka-emo ako,  generally, masaya na ko. gone are the super dramatic emo days kahit wala namang valid at seryosong dahilan. parang distant memory na lang sya. hindi lang talaga maiwasang maupset paminsan-minsan kasi hindi naman perpekto ang mundo, we all have our own crosses to bear, responsibilities to fulfill, people to deal with, goals to strive for. most of the time, i feel that i don’t know what i’m doing and yet i seem to somehow find my way out through all the confusion. dahil lab ako ni papa jesus kahit lukaret ako. at yung mga kulang at mga pain na nagpapalungkot sa ‘kin before, pinapag-aralan ko syang ichannel into something positive. sheeeet, ang seryoso. hindi na naman bagay sa ‘kin. gusto ko lang maalala na at 23, unti-unti ko ng nahahanap yung peace na kailangan ko.

before i turn 24, gusto ko sana makapagtravel na abroad (kahit vacations lang sa asia), makapagsagada o kaya yung ibang dream destinations ko sa ‘pinas, matagpuan yung fulfillment na hinahanap ko sa career, at syempre lumablayp ng seryosohan (pwede ring laru-laro lang pero syempre mas masaya yung seryosong nagmamahalan kayo and all that cheesiness di ba?). may isang taon pa ko. tira-tira!

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bilang birthday gift pala sa sarili, nagparebond ako kahapon. wehehe. sa isang araw ko na ipopost ang aking new (and shorter) do.  kumustang mga 5-6 hours ‘ata ako sa salon kahapon. naaliw lang ako kasi korean salon yung pinuntahan ko, toney and jackey sa may tomas morato. sosyal ang place,  maluwag at hindi cluttered.  nakakapanibago, ang tahimik. parang may multa pag nagsalita. namiss ko tuloy yung mga bading dun sa salon sa ‘min, bago ako matapos e nalaman ko na ang buhay nila, mga naging boypren, sinong may utang sa kanila, etc. korean yung mga stylists pero pinoy naman yung mga staff. dahil koreana yung stylist ko (btw, mabait at sobrang sipag nya), napalaban ako ng englishan. ang weird lang, marunong naman akong mag-english pero bakit nung nag-usap kami, parang ako yung naging barok. wala ata akong nasabing buong sentence kundi yes yes, no no, ok ok. nyahaha. 

7 years later

one of my three needs? check!

sa gitna ng malakas na tawanan, maingay na kantahan, bigayan ng regalo, tequila sunrise, screwdriver at margarita….may bigla lang akong naisip. ang laki na ng pinagbago namin. hindi ko na maalala yung dating kami - sa itsura, sa ingay, sa personalidad, sa desisyon sa buhay. sa tingin ko naman, walang masama dun. tumatanda, lumalawak ang mundo…ang mahalaga, hindi nawawala ang samahan.

so it’s just like old times…except that it’s not. maybe it’s even more fun than what we used to have. but, it still feels like home. i’m growing up.we’re growing up…and i’m loving it.

Change; we don’t like it, we fear it, but we can’t stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. And it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn’t is lying. But heres the truth: the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh, sometimes change is good. Oh, sometimes, change is … everything.

you cut me open but i’m no longer bleeding

there was a point when i wanted to hate you for making me feel so much over nothing. then i realized it all seems like a distant memory. right now, it’s not about you anymore. it’s about realizing what i’ve been missing all along.

i thought i knew it all; i thought holding hands or leaning on someone’s shoulder are just cliches from sappy love songs and cheesy romantic movies - until i had them. for the longest time, i’ve been so used to taking care of myself and building walls around me so people wouldn’t take advantage of my vulnerability. then you happened. for the first time, i didn’t feel so alone. it finally felt like someone was out there to protect me or save me from the mess that i was. i wanted someone to make me whole.  i just wanted to have someone, or rather…the feeling of belonging to someone.  it turns out, I NEVER  REALLY WANTED YOU AFTER ALL. YOU JUST HAPPENED TO BE THERE, with your easy words and sweet lies. but that didn’t change the fact that you were nothing more than a wayward boy out to break a poor girl’s fragile heart because you did not know what you wanted.

i hate to break it to you but i’m the farthest thing from being a poor girl with a fragile heart. i’m a kickass girl with the heart of a fighter, the kind of heart that has been tested and crushed and ripped apart far too many times but is still alive and beating and fighting like it has never been scarred before.

you see, it’s not about you anymore. i am way past the YOU drama. you were just a phase i’ve gotten over somehow. it’s about the search…or rather, the wait for that someone. i missed out on a lot of things before because i was too scared. to be fair,  i’m giving you a little credit for making me let my guard down because for the first time i actually think i’m ready for the real thing - not the fairytale mushy whatever but the heart-wrenching, messy, ridiculous, complex, and painful kind of thing. i still think you’re a liar and a player so screw you…but thanks to you, i am no longer that doe-eyed hopeless romantic little girl i used to be.

for the record, you didn’t break me. you never had the right to break me. you just cut me open and i’m more vulnerable than ever before. yet i feel better somehow. i’m flawed. i’m human after all.

in the zone

i’m generally happy these days. i actually believe being happy is a choice. life is simple, we just complicate it. so everytime i feel like turning into the old me (there’s a reason why this blog is described as the brand new stories of an ex-drama queen), i try to to see the positive side in things and look for that magic rainbow (blame david cook for the lack of a better term) whatever. so statements like  “someday things will make perfect sense, so for now laugh at the confusion”…i get that.  i believe in that. it’s just that the “right now” part kind of sucks and don’t make any sense to me. i know i’m not supposed to understand everything right now but i wish i could, even just a bit of it. do i even have a point here?

all i’m saying is even just for today, can i be the same old vulnerable me? spare me from the optimism crap because all i can say  is screw it and that doesn’t sound so nice. i’m turning the lights off, playing some boyce avenue in full volume, keeping my lips sealed…in short,  not care about the rest of the world (which i used to be really good at).

just for tonight. tomorrow, i’ll try to be better.

salamat sa ‘yo UP

wala na sigurong mas hihigit pa sa kurot na hatid ng kantang ‘to.

U.P. naming mahal, pamantasang hirang

Ang tinig namin, sana’y inyong dinggin

Malayong lupain, amin mang marating

Di rin magbabago ang damdamin

Di rin magbabago ang damdamin.

Luntian at pula, Sagisag magpakailanman

Ating pagdiwang, bulwagan ng dangal

Humayo’t itanghal, giting at tapang

Mabuhay ang pag-asa ng bayan

Mabuhay ang pag-asa ng bayan.

oo, marami na at mas marami pang magagandang nangyari at mangyayari sa buhay pero sa tingin ko, iba pa rin ang angas at saya ng pagiging isang iskolar ng bayan. ang apat na taon ko sa unibersidad ang golden age ng buhay ko. hahaha. ang keso. mahal na mahal ko ang peyups. mahal ko ang bawat alaala - ang hirap, ang puyat, mga propesor, kaibigan, kakilala, ang mga aral, sakit at takot, ang hell week, ang block L2, ang mga ngiti at malalakas na tawa, kilig factor, mga uno at singko, ang organisasyon, mga gusali at tambayan, ikot at toki, UP fair, ang mga lakad, groupwork, fighting maroons at UP pep, ang mga perstaym experiences, ang isaw at footlong, ang vandal sa girls’ CR, ang pagtulog ko sa library, overnight sessions, mcdo philcoa sessions, ang bluebook at santambak na readings…kung lalahatin ko, walang katapusan ‘to. dahil hindi ako makakasali sa mga pakulo bukas,  gusto ko lang ipagdiwang sa sarili kong paraan ang ika-sandaang taong kaarawan ng pinakamamahal kong unibersidad na sya ring ikatlo kong tahanan.

photo from homepage.mac.com/jdalisay/blog/FJ3650.html

SALAMAT OBLE. MABUHAY KA!

get wasted

gusto ko magpakalasing ngayong gabi. yung lasing na gumagapang na ko sa sahig o buhangin o damuhan kung nasan man ako at sumusuka ako sa lababo o sa sahig o sa lupa o kung nasan man ako (lasing ako kaya kunyari di ko maalala okey?). yung bawat sentence na lumalabas sa bibig ko ay may kasamang putangina bilang isang indikasyong lasing na ako ay ang hobby kong magmura kahit hindi naman applicable sa sitwasyon. at yung nagsisimula ng mangati ang balat ko at namumula na ang tyan ko dahil ang totoo nyan e allergic ako sa alcohol. yung paggising ko ng umaga ay pagsisisihan ko yung mga pinagsasabi o pinaggagawa ko ngayong gabi at mapapamura na naman ako sa katangahan ko. self-destruct mode ito. i hayrett.

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serious mode

if it’s meant for you, it’s bound to happen…no matter how random, no matter how surprising, no matter the circumstances. you have to take it in and make the most of the experience.   life is full of surprises and twists you could never have imagined. you think you know how things would turn out or that somehow you’ll get your fairytale moments or whatever…nah, things are gonna happen differently. sweet but different. because sometimes god has bigger plans for us than what we have for ourselves. ang galing no? if things always happen the way you expect it then what’s there to look forward to?

…remember it’s only in the black of night that you can see the stars and those stars lead you back home. So don’t be afraid to make mistakes, stumble, fall, cause most of the time the greatest rewards come from the things that scare you the most. Maybe you’ll get everything you wish for, maybe you’ll get more than you could ever imagine. Who knows where life will take you. The road is long and in the end the journey is the destination.–one tree hill (holliesquotes.com)

—

reminder to friends, di ako depressed ha. bilang everytime kasi na serious mode ako e feeling ng mga tao depressed ako. wehehe. hindi ba talaga bagay sa ‘kin maging seryoso?

oh, the sweet scent of vindication

there was a time when i used to despise X* so much that it was such an effort for me to be around him. it wasn’t fun having to pretend you’re ok with everything when you’re being consumed by anger and resentment towards this person. it made me miserable. i couldn’t even begin to recount the things i disliked about X and the things he did to me because i’ve already chosen to forget about that long list. like what i always say, what’s the point of dwelling on terrible things of the past when moving on feels way better?

so why the heck am i wasting a space in my blog about it? because i felt vindicated about the whole thing for the first time. apparently, i’m not the only who feels the same way about X. more and more people are seeing X’s true colors and intentions and  finally realizing i wasn’t whining after all. i hate to say i told you so. now i can’t help but smile. actually…it’s more like a grin and i couldn’t wipe it off my face.

i don’t care if he still uses me as a scapegoat for the things i’m not even responsible of anymore. be a jerk and a coward for all i care. i’m vindicated and it feels so damn sweet.

—–

X* - because i’d like to think i’m a good person so i won’t screw someone over just because he did me wrong.i’m better than that.

oh, crap

pero baket kelangan maging ganito?

@*&$*&@*&$#@$(_)@($)@$*#@&!^#!&@!(#)(@^#@^$#($)(_(@^#^&@^&$^@$_(_)()#!%@$#!$@#$#@@#%@#$@%^$#@%^#$%^@#$%@^$#@%)*&^&@^$&@^#@*&#%@^%#@%$#%$#@$#@^$@&!!!!!!!!!!

tang*na lang talaga.

shit happens.

taena.

dahil umuulan

dahil ang buhay ay walang katapusang paghihintay. at wala akong karapatang mapagod.

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dahil alam ko na pala ang hinahanap ko. hindi ko mapaliwanag pero naintindihan ng utak ko. basta.

5.24.08 the world as we know it

the GENERAL version:

i promised someone that i would write something about what happened last weekend. i’m in front of my laptop in my usual type-delete-type-delete mode and for the first time, i’m speechless. i know my writing won’t give it justice but i can try. because i love you  and i’m happy that you’re happy. or that you were happy at one point. because for the first time i can look at you and actually see the real you.

here’s the thing. it’s a lot to take. definitely more overwhelming than i thought it would be. it’s like having a bomb explode in my face. or realizing that the things i believe in are not really what they seem to be. imagine being so shocked that i literally almost fell off my chair. then multiply it by 10. or 20.

it’s a good thing though. i wanted this to happen. though nothing, and i mean NOTHING could have prepared me for the details. but i can take it.  i’m a big girl now. we’re grown ups and it’s a good thing to realize that. we can talk about grown up stuff and not be scared of being judged because…well, we don’t owe anybody an explanation for who or what we choose to be. and because there are people who can actually understand…love…accept.

more than anything, i couldn’t be happier for you. some days you may hate yourself or feel disappointed for not having the normal things you should have. and i feel bad about that. but i think the world is kind enough to compensate for what is lacking in our lives and maybe, just maybe, you can have the things you’ve always wanted… and so much more. because i’d like to think that we deserve it. we all do.

a certain aspect of who we are isn’t the most interesting fact about us. remember that. as for me, well…i’m still trying to erase some mental images in my head. nyahaha. i suddenly  have an anniversary with 2 people and we’re not even in a relationship. damn it.

 

winning isn’t everything

sabi ni paula abdul kagabi, winning isn’t everything. it’s in losing that we….ayan, nakalimutan ko na yung sinabi nya.basta napaisip ako. akalain mong napaisip ako ni paula abdul. something is wrong with me.

ilang beses na ba tayong natalo? sa contest. laro. honor. lablayp. pustahan. promotion. ang point, hindi pa kumpleto ang buhay mo kung di ka pa natatalo kahit isang beses. kung lagi kang panalo, wala ng thrill. mediocre na lang lahat ng achievement.

nakwento ko na dati na may pagka-nerd ako nung bata (delingkwente na ko pagdating ng college).pinakamalaking isyu na sa buhay ko ang maging valedictorian. pakiramdam ko noon, ‘yun ang purpose ko sa buhay. dun lang ako magaling. aral ng todo. sakripisyo. at maraming luha, puyat, pagod. ang sa ‘kin kasi, talo man o panalo, basta binigay ko lahat ng kaya kong ibigay, masaya na ko. kaso natalo ako. hindi pala masaya. masakit isiping nabigo ako sa tanging bagay na alam kong gawin. pakiramdam ko hindi ko na kilala ang sarili ko. sino ako kung hindi ko nakuha yung titulong pinagtrabahuhan ko? ano ang tawag sa kin, talunan?

natapos ang hayskul. tuntong sa kolehiyo. sa unang pagkakataon, biglang lumawak ang mundo ko. akala ko nun pamilya at eskwelahan lang ang buhay. unti-unti kong nakita ang iba’t ibang mukha ng problema. ng mga isyu. ng mga tao. marami palang naghihirap. marami palang hindi pa nararanasan kung anong pakiramdam ng manalo dahil abala silang gumawa ng paraan para lang mabuhay.

pitong taon na ang nakalipas mula nung nabigo akong maging valedictorian. oo, natanggap ko na ang pagkatalo ko. biktima man ako ng pulitika o kung ano pa mang dahilan, ang bottomline, talo ako. at kelangan kong tanggapin yun. dahil may mga bagay na mas malaki at mas mahalaga sa pagkatalo. dahil hindi ko siguro mapapahalagahan yung mas malalaking achievement* na nakuha ko kung hindi ko muna naranasang mabigo.

ito ay para sa bawat  estudyanteng napipressure sa expectations ng kanilang pamilya o ng kanilang sarili o sa kahit sinong makakarelate….may buhay pa pagkatapos ng pagiging estudyante. may mas malawak na mundo paglabas ng eskwelahan. dito, ikaw ang bahala. walang guro. walang grades. sarili mong desisyon. sarili mong diskarte. talo man o panalo, hindi ka pwedeng mag-drop. tuloy lang. laban lang.

ang sumuko, panget.

ain’t no laguna beach…

…and yet there’s so much boy drama.

let me quote my friend on this. “fun while it lasted…enough now.”

for me, summer is over.

officially.

here comes the rain.

oh, and for the record, i do think i deserve some kind of a fairytale. not this.

haller?!!! ganda kong ‘to.

 

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SAD SONGS FOR DIRTY LOVERS

emo text-textan mode kanina.

j: c, i’m sad. biglaan talaga.

c: break muna tayo sa pagiging happy okey? ok lang magbreak once in a while.

j: di ba dapat mas ngayon naten kelangan yun?

c: kase, naniniwala akong it’s ok to feel. d world shudnt be too perfect.bsta kelangan wag tignan in a negative way.wag magalit.just feel d pain.den move on.happy na ulet.

j: winner! i like that attitude!

….

oo, kahit sa text, pwede ako magpaka-emo. ampanget. lubusin na natin.

near wild heaven

i’ve been thinking…there are things that we should experience at least once in our lives. feel free to add if you have more.

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play the field. play with the wrong ones first. go out. go crazy. laugh like there’s no tomorrow. break down. shed some tears. wear your skin proud. love your body. wear sexy clothes. get soaked in the rain. feel the sand on your skin. get wasted. don’t rush things. dance. sing at the top of your voice. scream at your favorite band’s concert. travel and try new adventures. watch the sunset. go surfing. take pictures. hold hands. go out of your comfort zone. fall in love. fall in love for the first time. make mistakes. get hurt. move on. fall in love again.

 at this age, we can get away with it. there’s no better time than now. 

BUT…. don’t forget to learn.  take every lessons and experiences as you grow older. the key word is grow. and never lose the passion. sabi nga ng idolo kong si bob ong, “wag mawawalan ng gana sa buhay.kung ano yung galing mo, kulit mo, lakas ng sigaw at tuwa sa mga laban ng UAAP, NCAA, mga sports fest, o concert ng paborito mong banda, wag mong iwawala hangang sa pagtanda.”

everyday is a brand new opportunity to celebrate life.

 

to be young and single.  these are the best times. gotta love it.

 

sometimes, change is everything

awww, i just have to post this. i got this comment from a dear friend in my good girl gone bad post. eto ang mga wisdom na hinahanap ko e. ganda lang. =)

good girl having fun. squishing yout toes and dipping your fingers on the unexplored side of your life.

we all have our moment, a tipping point, i guess when we realize that we need to change, to try different things, to feel, to live.

if you crash and burn, just put some ice on it. tomorrow will be a beautiful day.

right on. salamat! ^____^

 

buhay bata

aliw na aliw ako sa mga tsikiting sa bahay ngayon. bihira lang kasi mapuno ng malakas na halakhakan ang apartment na ‘to, except pag andito ang barkada sa bahay. nakakatuwa lang sila panuorin at pakinggan. ang sarap nga naman maging bata. walang pakialam. walang problema. problema na sa kanilang hindi mapahiram ng laruan o makapaglaro sa labas pag umuulan. ang sarap namang problema nun.

naalala ko tuloy, hindi ako ganun nung bata ako. iba ang sitwasyon ng buhay nun. i had to grow up fast. may mga bagay na kinelangan kong intindihin kahit hindi pa gaanong maabot ng utak ko. may mga pagkukulang ang ibang tao na kelangan kong punan sa sarili ko. tapos nagkaron agad  ng responsibilidad.naging bedridden at temperamental si lolo, i felt like i needed to protect the people i love kasi sa ‘kin lang sya nakikinig. nerd pa ko. masayang masaya na ko pag nakakapagbasa at nakakapag-aral ako. maraming bagay palang dahilan at kahit alin dun, wala akong sinisisi.lumaki naman akong maganda, este matino.may laman ang utak kahit paano.

yun nga lang pag tinanong mo ko ng ilang bagay, malamang ang sagot ko sa ‘yo ay hindi. marunong ka magbike? hindi. marunong ka lumangoy? hindi. marunong ka gumawa ng bangkang papel o bangkang eroplano? hindi.marunong kang umakyat ng puno? hindi.

pero marunong ako mag-asikaso ng may sakit. hindi ako takot sa dilim. hindi ako takot mag-isa. hindi ako nahihilo sa byahe.natuto akong magbenta ng sampalok nung grade 3 ako.umakyat ako sa stage nung nag-top ako  nung kinder  kahit  walang kasamang magulang. first honor ako mula grade 1 hanggang grade 6.hindi ako nagtanong o naghanap ng mga taong ayaw namang maging bahagi ng buhay ko. 

hindi naman siguro ibig sabihin na hindi ako nakapaglaro ng masaya e hindi ako naging buo. iba-ibang lebel lang siguro. marami lang din siguro akong namiss na childhood moments pero i think i made the most of what i had to deal with at that time. maybe we can’t really have it all (ate shawie, hindi totoo ang komersyal mo).

kaya nagtataka kayo kung bakit isip-bata ako ngayon?

kasi naman, hindi pa siguro huli humalakhak at maglaro na parang bata di ba, kahit paminsan-minsan lang. ang mahalaga, masaya ka. yun.=)

ang sarap dito…

sakay lang. kahit alam mong walang patutunguhan.kahit alam mong mahirap ang byahe.masaya naman di ba? masarap sa pakiramdam sa ngayon. hindi ka makakarating kung lagi mong pipiliing magpaiwan.basta ingat lang.

masarap ang byahe. masaya ang buhay. makulay ang mundo. ^_^  

kesong-keso!